Self-loathing

I love quotes. I take inspiration from them, and apply them to my life whenever necessary. Today, I chance upon reading an excerpt of this on my friend's Facebook status. I craved for more and decided to look upon the whole poem instead.

After a While by Veronica Shoffstall

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.

I wish that it is as easy as it sounds to hug yourself, or to give yourself a reassuring kiss, a pretty compliment, an unexpected tap on the back. If it were, then my world could really melt on its own, not depending on anything or anyone to define or bring it happiness.

So I'll try to do just that by making this affirmation:

This is me hugging and kissing myself, jabbing in some compliments and unexpected taps on the back. This is me melting my own world, one that revolves around people I love, but mostly out of me. Yes, ME.

Level 25+

Turning twenty five wasn't really that big of a deal, not even close to being in high spirits for me too. Expectations do let you down. I wonder whoever made up that word to describe such a horrible feeling that sums up undesirable results most of the time. So, yes, in a shorter term, my birthday sucked. But misery had not stopped me from believing that there are greater things ahead, that my happiness is my own and should not be defined by others, nor should it be dependent to someone other than myself.

So amidst all the crises, PMSing, and an earthquake scare, I decided to do something remarkable, just to up the ante.

Remarkable and upping the ante = kite flying. Meet our kite, Matanglawin.

Now look who's also enjoying.

Side note: Another crossed-out item on my list. Hurrah!

Who's the happy camper?

Life would never have been this fairytale-like if not for this Prince Charming/Bike Wizard/Bowling Buddy all-in-one.

Happy Valentines Jammy!^_^

Silver wishes [Part 2]

I've read Pam's great blog today and found myself nodding, agreeing about the things that best rocks her world, and I think I share the exact sentiment for letters.

I remember how simple notes made my day. Most of the time, handwritten notes melt my heart more because they have such oozing sincerity that one can't deny, nor neglect.

So if by chance you pass by this page and wonder what makes my heart skip tiny beats, wonder no more. Go grab your pen, get some paper/card/notepad or whatever it is that's available, and write something about your day, or maybe wish something for my birthday. Go scribble, doodle. And when you're done, don't forget to send it to me. Remember, nothing haunts like the things we don't say.


Side note: Don't worry. No matter how bad your penmanship is, I'd still hug you for sending love my way. ^_^

Silver wishes [Part 1]

I am turning silver in two weeks. And for a memento, I am aspiring, and soon enough, will be owning all (or maybe just some) of the twenty five things that'll be stated under. To whom or how can I acquire these from is not my concern at the moment. Maybe Santa could be extra generous and efficient this year to hand me these presents for my birthday, ten months ahead of Christmas Day. (Oh, let a girl dream.)

1. A fairly functional belt bag

It doesn't need to look like this exactly, but just so you could get the hang of what I was imagining to get for myself. The more the compartment, the better.


2. Some Neil Gaiman books.

With the success of Stardust the movie, I'm thinking there maybe more to his stories than the movies itself. So I'm welcoming Gaiman to my collection.

3. Some star-designed bags.

So I could re-organize my things in their new home.

4. A copy of the poem "All I really need to know I learned from Chocolates." 

I saw this poem once in a visit to National Book Store, and never found it again. I Google-d it, hoping that someone in this crazy connected web would've encountered it and decided to tell it, to no avail. Sometimes, Google does let me down.

5. One-of-a-kind pens and crayons.

I want my pens and crayons as unique as me. And yes, I am this ambitious. But just so you know, normal pens and crayons are also accepted. (Oh, I love pens. ^_^)

6. Storage boxes. 

Originally, we prefer our books on the shelf. But my shelf accumulates dust more than any other furniture I have in the bedroom, so I opt to keep my collection on boxes - colored boxes that is. (It's never too late to be girly.)

7. Some Sophie Kinsella books.

Because I enjoyed reading her Twenties Girl, I'd love to get a hold of her books.

8. A laziest-cat-in-the-world stuffed toy.

For those who do not know, I am really a cat person even before we ever had a dog to pet. And for those of you who hate Mondays, and loves lasagna like I do, then there must be a special place in your heart for this lazy but endearing fur ball.

9.  A Hello Kitty laptop bag for Annie [the laptop].

My EJ bought me a laptop skin for my Annie:

So all that's left to do, is to buy her a bag that matches her fashion.

Can't you agree more? ^_^

10. A white sandals.

Never had one in my entire life.

11. New half-framed eyeglasses.

I am letting my old one retire. Squeaky-clean glasses and a clearer vision awaits.

12. A .dot com

Been planning to have my own stash of the web since last year. Maybe its time my words take the stage and sparkle. Suggestions for a domain name will be highly appreciated.

13. An eight-piece puzzle ring.

I'm an owner of a four, but would love to have an eight just for the fun of it. In case you might ask, I'm a size 6. ^_^

14. Nail art machine.

For instant nail make-overs.

15. Coolest bookmarks.

Law of supply and demand: More books=more bookmarks.

16. A mood ring.

This is the closest I've come to fortune telling. If you're a moody woman (ahem!), it might help to let some ring define your mood for you, sometimes.


17. A portrait of me.

Because I'm an aspiring Mona Lisa. Who knows, someday maybe? ^_^

18. A new coffee mug


Since I've been coerced, influenced and is now very much addicted to caffeine, how about a new mug to start the 25th year?

19. Week's supply of Pintoora, Yakee, Cherry Ball and NIPS.

Cheers to those who believe that sweets (mostly bubblegum to me) can brighten one's day.

20. A cell casing/skin.

I know it sounds old school for one to want a new housing for cellphones but I'd really like to get one for my Little Red Riding Hood. I believe that things want to be dressed anew once in a while too, like us people do.

21. Comfy pillow.


What else would a workaholic/sleep deprived lady like me want in a busy day? A good night's sleep. Although I have two pillows to rest on every night, I think they just don't suit my needs very well. I want a fairly fluffy hard pillow. I hate when my head sinks. So yeah, hard and fluffy it is.

22. A pair of Espadrilles.

I thought it might look good on me.


23. Pair of earrings

Earrings do play an important role in making me feel girly and gay (as the verb). ^_^ Not that I want a Tiffany and Co. design.  Just saying. ^_^

23. A Lock & Lock-type lunch box.

Who'd want their lunch spilled over their bag? Definitely not me.

24. Plastic cabinets.

I love storing things. I love keep sakes. And as much as I enjoy rummaging through a whole lot of chaos in the closet, I'd really love. a clean organized closet. And maybe plastic cabinets will do my dream justice.

25. 1000-pc jigsaw puzzle.

I feel like it's a pretty relaxing treat, to spend time solving jigsaws. Oh, nerd alert! nerd alert! ^_^

Note: Photos snatched from Google's photo search page.

Shouldn't there be a 'sorry' somewhere? Or maybe 'where are you?' to begin with?

I felt UNWANTED, UNAPPRECIATED, and UNCARED FOR
all in one night. Pfft!

Loved Unloved

Side Note: Oh love, just woo and explain. You know I 'm always more than willing to listen.

Song-inflicted pain

photo credit to Hidden Agenda

I felt a sudden but familiar welled-up emotion for the guy who melted my heart with laughter, and broke it just the same - Emon. I am close to tears as I try to mend this hole in my heart - one that needed to be supervised for it not to expand, one that needed a patch of glued cement, one that has been stitched over and over for four years now.

Sometimes I wish I could just shut you out of my life, but the thought alone makes me cringe because I know that's next to impossible. You have vandalized my soul with permanent marker and I'm way too weary to erase whatever's left of you, and we.

I ache for all the things that we've done together. I ache for all the goals and dreams we never met, for the love letters I've read and wrote, and for a whole bunch of stuffs that I no longer remember.

Yes, your memory do stings, in a ticklishly-sad way. It bites hard and sweet.

Alright.

I surrender to this nostalgic feeling.

*Tears*

Side Note: Maybe I should get rid of the radio so I won't get to hear that song and feel this way over again. Or the next time, maybe I should just re-tune.