Wishful thinking

The day I blamed the blue frosted nail polish

I was busy trying to find something amusing online, at the comfort of my bed, on my rest night. I don't know how it suddenly dawned on me to start to sort my things out and try to do a little spring cleaning. Yes, little is an understatement, considering how I can be OC when I clean.

I saw my old notebooks way back in college, and some really sentimental things I forgot I had. Some, I thought I could recycle and reuse. I was nostalgic - seeing all the things I thought I lost already, and futuristic - seeing all the things I feel like reusing. Yesterday's trash could really be today's treasures, as I was told.

Suddenly, I felt a pang of pain, as I were using boxes to collectively sort out everything. It felt like I'm moving away - from my safe place, my shell for a little over two decades, my HOME.

In two years time, my life would turn into a full circle, three hundred sixty degrees, full blown. It scares me how things might change from hereon, how my clutter will void this home, how it will fit in to a new place. I am scared to know how life works its wonders. I am scared to leave my kind of life now. I am scared to know the difference.

In two years time, I would have my life partner, my ever after, my knight in shining armor in disguise. It excites me that I willq live the life I choose, a life that isn't perfect for everyone except to ME. And by ME, I may mean US or WE.

In two years time, I may be happier than I am now. Maybe wiser. Maybe fatter. Maybe grumpier. But I care less. I will not be moved, not until then. I will rejoice for the present. I will enjoy the current. And tomorrow will just have to wait. My wedding, Prince Charming, and our dreams can wait, in hopes that they will never be forgotten. And I promise that they will never be broken. Not in this lifetime.

Side Note: My first time to put on a blue nail polish, and I suddenly thought of all this.

It's never too late to say 'Thank You'

Jenna,

I thank you for trying to be such a grown-up now, although you fail sometimes. But that didn't stop you to make all things shine bright and beautiful. You stayed, held on, and wandered in a world which pulled you down when you were soaring; which dragged you into so many aches, like you haven't had enough yet.

Thank you for still believing that life's a lot bitchier than you, and that you're wise enough to act indifferent to it.

Thank you for remembering to fall in love and for acknowledging what love has done for you.

Thank you for waking me up whenever I need a little shaking, for dodging me when I'm stubborn and unbecoming.

Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone, no matter how I always feel like I am. You were always there to keep me a little sane. You were always just a step behind, if not beside.

Thank you for being kind, enough to convince life that you deserve friends. And these friends are thankful and believes that they deserve you, too, at least that's how I feel about you.

Thank you for still standing up for your virtues, no matter how bended they are now.

Thank you for being sensible whenever my thoughts are barred or sheered by things that were never necessary. Thank you for arguing with me, and for inviting competition.

Thank you for understanding that I am not perfect, nor are you.

Thank you for wanting to be Me, and You. Thank you for thanking Me for being You.

Loads of love,
Jenna

Self-loathing

I love quotes. I take inspiration from them, and apply them to my life whenever necessary. Today, I chance upon reading an excerpt of this on my friend's Facebook status. I craved for more and decided to look upon the whole poem instead.

After a While by Veronica Shoffstall

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.

I wish that it is as easy as it sounds to hug yourself, or to give yourself a reassuring kiss, a pretty compliment, an unexpected tap on the back. If it were, then my world could really melt on its own, not depending on anything or anyone to define or bring it happiness.

So I'll try to do just that by making this affirmation:

This is me hugging and kissing myself, jabbing in some compliments and unexpected taps on the back. This is me melting my own world, one that revolves around people I love, but mostly out of me. Yes, ME.

To fear needing

While I was trying to past the time while waiting for you, this is what the odds made me read. And somehow, a speck of my whole being wanted to believe that this could possibly apply to me:

                "Don't be a woman who needs a man...

As much as I love living co-dependently, I fear needing. I fear it more than I do eight-legged freaks. I think "needing" someone is my greatest fear because whenever I need you, I expect more from you, and there's no fun in that. Sometimes I deceive myself by trying not to need you, and end up in the "morbidest" form of solitude. Without needing you, I sometimes feel I can self-destruct.

                  ....Be a woman a man needs!"

Somehow I wish you need me too, in the same intensity that I do you. And I know I must be a fool to believe that two people can be equally passionate about two different things, but I guess I just needed some affirmation that you do (if you're there) or may (eventually) need me in a certain degree. Not that I don't feel that you need me too, sometimes, it's just different if you'll say "I need you."

Side notes: This "hormonal imbalance" thing we women have is really getting into me. 

--o0o--

The morning after this post was written, a friend texted me this:

 Fearlessness - Knowing that you are an instrument in the hands of God and that He is in control. Fear always relates to the future.But always remember that when you get there, God will be there. He says "Stop worrying. Stop being afraid."

And that made all the difference.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I need what I want, until someone proves to me I don’t.

Sometimes I like being neglected (talk about masochism), so I can seek refuge from something else, more often with someone else. Sometimes I like being taken cared of too, because it defines my day or week, more so, it defines how I get to be me.

Sometimes I hate how I miss people, how I obliged them to extend a “Hi” or “Hello” to me whenever necessary. Sometimes, I don’t know when is it necessary, nor can I define necessity at this given aspect.

Sometimes I like to remain unnerved from everything that stresses me out – from work, from love, from home. But I don’t know how long it will eventually take me to be strong enough to not let them get into me… Sometimes, I think that’s impossible.

Sometimes I’m caught up between too many things I love, like singing and writing. Sometimes I like to sing more, other times I write more. Sometimes I think they could never go the same direction.

Sometimes I think love’s absurd, other times I think it just is extraordinary.

Sometimes I love to cry, rant and vent out. Sometimes I think that’s one cowardly act. Sometimes I wish I’ll know how to always keep these eyes dry.

Sometimes I need affirmations to get me through some rough days. Sometimes I think they just lure you to forgetting bad moments, but still nurse those moments with reflection at the end of the day.

Sometimes I think I don’t need anyone, and disprove this to myself all over again.

Sometimes I worry about what’s underneath. Sometimes I think I’m too shallow, sometimes I think I’m too slow. Sometimes I think I’m strong, other times I think I’m wrong.

Sometimes I know I cannot always figure ME out, but sometimes that’s okay, right?

Slow pacing

Somewhere between busy work schedules, breakfast dates with EJ, restaurant-hunting, shopping, traveling, reading, watching TV series, enjoying sarcasms and writing, it felt that the world and the people I care about in life has changed their cycles, hearts and statuses in so little time -- and now I am left behind.

Bells a' tolling

Love. Weddings. Kids. Family.

I think I got that order right.

Lately, I've been (and will be) hearing church bells ringing (and soon be ringing). And it feels surreal, weddings--being every girl's dream. And as it elates me to see friends tie the knot, move in, and build  families of their own, here comes with fervor,a green-eyed monster who keeps assaulting my hard-earned zen.

Sometimes I hate how love amasses from time, not that I don't want love to last. It just feels so unreal sometimes how one person, from the exact same planet, can make you believe that there lives that one man capable of turning dreams into reality.

And I know how far I've come wandering for that someone who'll love me inside-out. Gladly, I believe to have found mine.

Now I think I just want my bells tolled too.

Side note: Maybe in an earlier time than later?