Melancholy

This is me. Wasting time. Comforting myself. Managing disappointments. This is where I draw the line, I mark the mark, I cross it out and sign it under my property. This is where your trespassing ends, because you know no boundary. This is where my love for myself prevails more than the love I am still willing to give. This is where I am willing to let myself soar and not be bound by you, and vice versa. This is where I pretend to not care, and succeed. This is where I pretend to be strong enough to not mind, and believe. This is where I continue to love you by letting ourselves be two completely separate beings, instead of one, because 'we' would always be just 'me'.

Until it dawns on us both, and until we make amicable compromises, this will stand. For now, I guess.

Now this is me resigning, taking a hike somewhere, going the distance, taking a leave, or maybe giving up.

Who's the happy camper?

Life would never have been this fairytale-like if not for this Prince Charming/Bike Wizard/Bowling Buddy all-in-one.

Happy Valentines Jammy!^_^

1...2...3...4...

Somewhere in this great world, I met this great guy who noticed that this lady was a big ball of greatness.  So in exchange for the thousands of hugs, kisses and overall comfort he brought into her life, and still is bringing, she made this cheesy-ball out of love and madness.

Side note: Many thanks to the great guy who believed I was worth loving a thousand times over. 

Who's tying the knot?

I am. In two years time, I definitely am.

Yes, I am engaged. And I'm out for words to tell you how it happened.

My Best Friend plus more

[pensive mood]

Sometimes, however dull and manic the week has become, the thought of seeing you in two day’s time brings relief to my thoughts. Your smiles and hugs provide the right comfort to my soul, to my being whole.

I remember how I dismissed you then, and compared it to how much I need you now.

How much did you love me then? Enough to make me love you more now.

Everyone thought we weren't meant to be a couple then. Who would've thought that we're nearing our fourth year now?

having fun while making faces (January 2009)

To fear needing

While I was trying to past the time while waiting for you, this is what the odds made me read. And somehow, a speck of my whole being wanted to believe that this could possibly apply to me:

                "Don't be a woman who needs a man...

As much as I love living co-dependently, I fear needing. I fear it more than I do eight-legged freaks. I think "needing" someone is my greatest fear because whenever I need you, I expect more from you, and there's no fun in that. Sometimes I deceive myself by trying not to need you, and end up in the "morbidest" form of solitude. Without needing you, I sometimes feel I can self-destruct.

                  ....Be a woman a man needs!"

Somehow I wish you need me too, in the same intensity that I do you. And I know I must be a fool to believe that two people can be equally passionate about two different things, but I guess I just needed some affirmation that you do (if you're there) or may (eventually) need me in a certain degree. Not that I don't feel that you need me too, sometimes, it's just different if you'll say "I need you."

Side notes: This "hormonal imbalance" thing we women have is really getting into me. 

--o0o--

The morning after this post was written, a friend texted me this:

 Fearlessness - Knowing that you are an instrument in the hands of God and that He is in control. Fear always relates to the future.But always remember that when you get there, God will be there. He says "Stop worrying. Stop being afraid."

And that made all the difference.

My goal for the month is...

...to see my favorite person even more than I already do, just so I can get rid of all the moods that come with missing.

Monogamous

*In reaction to the bold and lovely blogger I religiously follow: Jodi

I am indeed one of the biggest fan of monogamy. Who wouldn't enjoy the perks of exclusivity, when you have a life partner, best friend, student, competitor, and fan all-in-one?

On the funny side, I'll let the back label of the Monogamy wine do the talking:

However, some relationships do really end up to be much of a habit, and not an endless expo of excitement, of love, or romance. We've heard endless tales about cheating; adultery even. But sometimes, it just isn't being too-into some other guy/girl, sometimes relationship ends because we forget to make our partners feel like we want them; reassuring them that even if they grew a little fatter, or thinner, or darker, we still find them perfect --for us.

Like when a friend of mine broke up with his long-time guy. She said she felt like she was in it to save a three-year relationship, but she wasn't able to find in her heart the love she had for the man anymore. They were too busy saving the relationship, more than just showing their affection, more so the love. They lost the touch. They forgot. She said she wasn't even attracted to him anymore, and we take that the same goes for the other party because he had his eyes for someone even before they broke up.

Now, I feel lucky enough, to be in love with someone who sees (and tells) me how attractive and desirable I am, every so often. Who isn't really concerned about how we do with the relationship, but is concerned about me (well, now at least). We had backslides too, like most couples, but manage to win them over. And now, everything gets better by the day.

And as love make us blind, we forget that we don't really need anyone but ourselves, to make us feel worthy or desirable enough. All we really need is to believe that we are still marketable, pricey enough to draw men who will appreciate us more than we do ourselves. And sometimes, that's more than enough.

Who needs a HE when I have ME?

Of insecurities and positive thinking

I love myself. I love how my hair looks like, my round-shaped face, my vertically-challenged height, my immature ways, my mood swings, my outlook, my choices, my family, my friends, my job. I love everything about myself. I've always seen the glass as half-full. I have never been the jealous-insecure type who complains and rants about things that we should foremost accept, and love even.

But, sometimes, no matter how tightly in love you are with yourself, you know that you lack something that they [others] have, and it just pisses you off. How I wish that this issue in my life can be cooled off with a cup of coffee and a honey-glazed doughnut on the side.

Now, more than ever, a part of me feels inferior knowledge-wise, especially when you can't relate to something that you know should be one of your top interests.

You see, the one man I measure everyone against is a professional gamer. What better job is there other than being paid while you play? Even if this gaming fad is just a speck of his entire being, it occupies half of his everyday life. Though, it's normally not a grown-up job, I don't care. As much as he loves what he does, then there's nothing to discuss about.

Getting back to my point, the only insecurity I have now is the fact that I am not a gamer. Don't get me wrong. I love games. They entertain me. But the harsh fact is I know nothing, as in zip, about anything that concerns MMORPGs (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game), the what and what not's in the gaming biz. And don't you think it's funny [somehow] to be in love with someone and not know the how-to's in his line of work? Or is it just me?

After three long years, I am now FORCIBLY engaging myself into online gaming, not just to feed the ego of knowing and relating to the man you wish to grow old with. Frankly, I want to share with his joys whenever a new game is being launched, or his whims about the most anticipated games that are yet to be released in the market. I want to be there, when he wins, and more so loses. I want to listen to his stories, that I know I will now be qualified to hear, because I will now be a part of the system he so lovingly embraces.


For the most part, I just want to be welcomed and to feel like I belong in that part of him that I know nothing of. We're never too old to learn something new anyway. ^_^

Bells a' tolling

Love. Weddings. Kids. Family.

I think I got that order right.

Lately, I've been (and will be) hearing church bells ringing (and soon be ringing). And it feels surreal, weddings--being every girl's dream. And as it elates me to see friends tie the knot, move in, and build  families of their own, here comes with fervor,a green-eyed monster who keeps assaulting my hard-earned zen.

Sometimes I hate how love amasses from time, not that I don't want love to last. It just feels so unreal sometimes how one person, from the exact same planet, can make you believe that there lives that one man capable of turning dreams into reality.

And I know how far I've come wandering for that someone who'll love me inside-out. Gladly, I believe to have found mine.

Now I think I just want my bells tolled too.

Side note: Maybe in an earlier time than later?

Of months and Japanese

I met you one August morning, in the hardest year of my life to date. I cannot by any means remember how you were dressed, or what your hair looked like then. I do not even recall us being formally introduced. I guess I care not to notice, because it didn't seem like I needed to.

All I knew then was that you were the uptight fellow across me, the annoyingly quiet guy who paid no deal to the necessity of having friends... not until I dared you to be one (to me).

I remembered how you let your Japanese do the talking for you. Your Ohayou's became an instant hit on my chat list. I secretly wanted to hear that from you every morning (well now you know it). Force of habit, I suppose. You never even missed a day to chat. You were that consistent, and you love hearing my stories, considering the fact that you despised wanting friends.

Then, you played "throwing-crumpled-paper" with me. You even started to share your skills by handing me sketches of my favorite cartoon character out of scratch. And you enjoyed how my jaw dropped in awe with the portrait of Gaara, you show-off.

In no time, you started sharing your stories, and you were slowly pulling off your mask to me. You adapted to my world, you became alive. You began to treat me a little different than everyone else. I remembered being your only confidante. It seemed like you didn't want anything to do with anybody, except me, and I enjoyed the exclusivity.

Then we fought one August morning, from which your love started to blossom. The space apart became your inner foe, that led you to realize that I was something, or someone. And you were now ready to accept love, and be vulnerable.

So you professed your love to me, one October evening. And you used your good old Japanese trick to do the talking for you, yet again. I recalled hearing "Aishiteru's" from you over and over again, because I feign deafness then (yes, I was just playing). Yes I provoked you to speak your piece, because you were to scared to tell it. So what if I tricked you into telling me how you feel? It was after all, the best part of our soon-to-begin relationship.

I remembered telling you I loved someone else then, and it broke my heart as much as it did yours. You even sent me a poem, which led me to appreciate you even more. I cried then, and felt your words pinching my heart. I was caught off guard, I abruptly succumbed to your love.


I first fell in love with you one December evening, when the world felt a little unwelcoming, and you embraced my being in all its complexities.You found the necessity of owning a cellphone for me, just so you can call and ask me how I've been; so you can tell me you loved me time and again.

I gave you the "yes" vote one January evening, in a very uncommon time and setting. I never saw how you reacted to it, but I remembered hearing the jerk in your voice, a happy jerk that is.

After three more Januarys, I fell in love with you more than I could even remember to count; and I blame your Japanese for it.

Ideally Wanting

I want someone to tell me how good I look in the morning, though my hair looks like a wig, and my face full of smudge. I want someone who knows when I'm angry, who can tell what I want to eat, who knows how to woo me when he just feels like it, who can tell that I need a hug or a kiss, who makes funny faces to make me laugh, who sees to it that I'm safe when traveling, who sends me sweet nothings everyday (it doesn't matter how many times), who supports my work, who lends a hand when I'm in need, who makes me want to be better, who believes in me, who goes out of his way just so we could be together, who takes me to dinner, who writes me letters/notes or whatever he may want to call it, who make plans every now and then just to surprise me, who kisses me in front of people and doesn't give a damn about it, who'll get mad at me and still wants to hold my hand even when he's angry, who finds it necessary to check on his phone every once in a while to see if I sent a message or called, who brings out the child in me, who places his palms on my cheeks just so I can be warm, who would respect me not because I want to but because I deserve to be, who makes me pancakes in the morning, who rescues me when I need rescuing, who makes me shine, and most of all who finds it necessary to say I LOVE YOU without me asking for it.

A glass half full

I had been, for the past twenty years, an optimist when it comes to living and everything that goes with it. The lady in me, scared as ever, still sees a green light where there’s red everywhere. After having to go through a huge emotional suffering two and half years ago, I’m still glad that I have come to the peak of what I can call my purpose-driven life. And yes, the purpose is none other than you.

The year 2006 was the darkest year I ever had. The healing was an agony itself. And you coming into my life was the greatest relief. I admit, yeah, you might say I was insensitive. I was dumb to believe that you were just one person among the crowd. And indeed, I rejected you for the simple reason that you were too packed in your box world, and I was too stubborn to unpack you up.

I was too focused and forgot to notice you, not that you didn’t make an impact, I was just looking at the wrong direction.

Just when it felt like the world was purely empty, you gave me a half full.

Side Note: YES! I am a glass half full. I want to thank the guy who sees the glass as half empty, all because he supplements the fact that I am indeed unwhole – without him; all because he fills it in, with love more than anyone could ever ask for. You saw me as your truth, your happiness. Who would dare ask for more?

My Erick James in disguise

He comes to work with his defenses,

He doesn't mind your own pretenses,

What you get is what you see,

If you can't keep up then let be.

He loves routine and peace and quiet,

He hates when people make noises,

He can be strange to you, but you'll see

He's not as eccentric as he is with me.

He's often late, no sense of time

However i can always call him mine.

The Monday of all Mondays

I’ve never laughed in so long as much as I had today. It wasn’t because I had all the time in the world to use my new desktop, nor do I enjoyed my Monday DVD marathon. I just happen to have a full 12 hours of quality time. Indeed, it was THE Monday of all Mondays.

I awoke at a seemingly unorthodox morning message telling me to get up as early as 8:43. Nobody ever wakes me up that early especially when I’m on a day-off, so there must be a catch to this. And yes, my instinct didn’t fail me.

Expectant as I was, I rushed through the door, and in a few minutes, there appeared a vision. Suddenly, I had the usual grin, one that I wear on a Sunday. ^_^

Just as my eyes were about to twitch because of it’s lack of rest, there came two arms wide enough to give me a morning squeeze; and lips for kissing.

BLISS.