I've never been really this concerned about making people happy, aside from Dada, Mama and EJ that is. But today, it just felt so immature of me to not share some time with the people who I practically live with, particularly my aunt.
My Auntie Ling is no ordinary aunt. She's having trouble distinguishing fact from fiction; reality from hallucinations. She talks to her imaginary friends, like a child does with her dolls. She covers her ears in terror sometimes because she says there were echoes. She argues with herself most of the time, something I regularly do, but silently. She does it bold, and loud. I distanced from her because it felt nuts sometimes to want to talk to her when suddenly her mood shifts into being nice to being really mad for no apparent reason at all.
And it never really was easy for any of us to deal with these kind of things, and neither was it for her.
I just find it too selfish of me to deprive her of the interpersonal connection, which I know would help her be her old self again. And it may seem a bit too late for this realization, but today, it just feels right to give her back the joy of being with family.
Side note: For what its worth, I am sorry for all the times I let my obscurely naive judgment ruin any relationship that should in fact be cherished and loved.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Monogamous
*In reaction to the bold and lovely blogger I religiously follow: Jodi
I am indeed one of the biggest fan of monogamy. Who wouldn't enjoy the perks of exclusivity, when you have a life partner, best friend, student, competitor, and fan all-in-one?
However, some relationships do really end up to be much of a habit, and not an endless expo of excitement, of love, or romance. We've heard endless tales about cheating; adultery even. But sometimes, it just isn't being too-into some other guy/girl, sometimes relationship ends because we forget to make our partners feel like we want them; reassuring them that even if they grew a little fatter, or thinner, or darker, we still find them perfect --for us.
Like when a friend of mine broke up with his long-time guy. She said she felt like she was in it to save a three-year relationship, but she wasn't able to find in her heart the love she had for the man anymore. They were too busy saving the relationship, more than just showing their affection, more so the love. They lost the touch. They forgot. She said she wasn't even attracted to him anymore, and we take that the same goes for the other party because he had his eyes for someone even before they broke up.
Now, I feel lucky enough, to be in love with someone who sees (and tells) me how attractive and desirable I am, every so often. Who isn't really concerned about how we do with the relationship, but is concerned about me (well, now at least). We had backslides too, like most couples, but manage to win them over. And now, everything gets better by the day.
And as love make us blind, we forget that we don't really need anyone but ourselves, to make us feel worthy or desirable enough. All we really need is to believe that we are still marketable, pricey enough to draw men who will appreciate us more than we do ourselves. And sometimes, that's more than enough.
Who needs a HE when I have ME?
I am indeed one of the biggest fan of monogamy. Who wouldn't enjoy the perks of exclusivity, when you have a life partner, best friend, student, competitor, and fan all-in-one?
On the funny side, I'll let the back label of the Monogamy wine do the talking:
However, some relationships do really end up to be much of a habit, and not an endless expo of excitement, of love, or romance. We've heard endless tales about cheating; adultery even. But sometimes, it just isn't being too-into some other guy/girl, sometimes relationship ends because we forget to make our partners feel like we want them; reassuring them that even if they grew a little fatter, or thinner, or darker, we still find them perfect --for us.
Like when a friend of mine broke up with his long-time guy. She said she felt like she was in it to save a three-year relationship, but she wasn't able to find in her heart the love she had for the man anymore. They were too busy saving the relationship, more than just showing their affection, more so the love. They lost the touch. They forgot. She said she wasn't even attracted to him anymore, and we take that the same goes for the other party because he had his eyes for someone even before they broke up.
Now, I feel lucky enough, to be in love with someone who sees (and tells) me how attractive and desirable I am, every so often. Who isn't really concerned about how we do with the relationship, but is concerned about me (well, now at least). We had backslides too, like most couples, but manage to win them over. And now, everything gets better by the day.
And as love make us blind, we forget that we don't really need anyone but ourselves, to make us feel worthy or desirable enough. All we really need is to believe that we are still marketable, pricey enough to draw men who will appreciate us more than we do ourselves. And sometimes, that's more than enough.
Who needs a HE when I have ME?
Sunday, August 22, 2010
An open letter to the guy who cried wolf
If you are not part of any of the social sites that I am in, then you're not my friend. Get it?
I don't know what is it with you. I open my circle to anyone I've been in contact with for the last twenty five years by trying to reconnect with the past and all (believing that worthy souls may have passed without me noticing), but you took advantage of the opportunity, and gasped when it was taken away from you too soon.
I know I have always been the patient little red riding hood you've always known. I have changed. And I don't even see the point in trying to explain to you why I need to. Because if you were my friend, that wouldn't be necessary at the first place.
You bombard my inbox with far too many questions for me to want to entertain. You comment on my statuses, as if I needed to explain to you why the sky is blue. You start conversations and you expect me to always understand how you put those H's and W's in every word you write.
You were THAT annoying, that I had to put an end to your limitless access on my page, my wall, my photos, my statuses -- my life. It just felt right to cut you out.
Everything would've been okay, until you cried wolf. And you shamelessly addressed me from someone else's wall. And jumped in your own conclusions in pointing out that I belittled you, among my friends. Congratulations. Now you really had the attention you couldn't get from me weeks ago. And the more did this incident supplement the fact that you really weren't worth to be part of my circle.
THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU. It never did. It never will.
This is the first, and the last, time that I will make you an issue in my life. So how about you live your own life, and try not to cross mine?
I don't know what is it with you. I open my circle to anyone I've been in contact with for the last twenty five years by trying to reconnect with the past and all (believing that worthy souls may have passed without me noticing), but you took advantage of the opportunity, and gasped when it was taken away from you too soon.
I know I have always been the patient little red riding hood you've always known. I have changed. And I don't even see the point in trying to explain to you why I need to. Because if you were my friend, that wouldn't be necessary at the first place.
You bombard my inbox with far too many questions for me to want to entertain. You comment on my statuses, as if I needed to explain to you why the sky is blue. You start conversations and you expect me to always understand how you put those H's and W's in every word you write.
You were THAT annoying, that I had to put an end to your limitless access on my page, my wall, my photos, my statuses -- my life. It just felt right to cut you out.
Everything would've been okay, until you cried wolf. And you shamelessly addressed me from someone else's wall. And jumped in your own conclusions in pointing out that I belittled you, among my friends. Congratulations. Now you really had the attention you couldn't get from me weeks ago. And the more did this incident supplement the fact that you really weren't worth to be part of my circle.
THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU. It never did. It never will.
This is the first, and the last, time that I will make you an issue in my life. So how about you live your own life, and try not to cross mine?
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Discerning friends at 59
My mom had some rough ordeals the last couple of months. The second trimester of the year was one of the filthiest time of her life, if I may overstate it.
Well I for one, was shocked when I learned the issues that she went through, especially when I heard it was about her friends. You see, my mom values her friends more than she does herself. That's how martyr she is with friends, she goes the distance for them without complaint. Sometimes, she even lets them be on her top priority more than anybody, so you can imagine my disappointment when her flocks suddenly turned into ugly ducklings. It never occurred to me that at her age, she have yet to know who her true friends are. This only supplements the concept that age really does prove to be only a number.
It was one sunny day in the month of June I think, when one of her long time friends turned user-pretending-to-be-friend stepped on her like a foot rug in the mud. And it seriously raged me when I heard the story of the backstabbing, and how he shamelessly threw my mom off the garbage can as though she was spoiled food. I sobbed and was so mad that I had to outrageously curse and lambaste his name. I was hurt (to the superlative degree) because I know that bastard since I don't know when and even paid him high respects. It never came to my mind that he'll be the one who would do that to my mom upfront. Imagine if I was this mad, how much more was my mom.
But I never heard a thing from her (knowing how she nags), I just saw the tears that she hid from me while I asked her what happened. And as it broke my heart to see her keeping her cool and trying to contain her emotions, she told me how it was a waste of time to even talk about it. Even though she denies it, I know how broken she was, and I prayed for her more than I regularly do. Just so she could stand up and be her best again, this time with enough wisdom to discern friends.
After two months, my mom of twenty four years turned fifty-nine. And in celebration for the blessing of life, she opted to share the night with friends -- her real friends that is. I've never seen her happier.
Side note: I thank God for hearing my prayers and for giving Mama true friends to keep her company for the rest of her life.
Well I for one, was shocked when I learned the issues that she went through, especially when I heard it was about her friends. You see, my mom values her friends more than she does herself. That's how martyr she is with friends, she goes the distance for them without complaint. Sometimes, she even lets them be on her top priority more than anybody, so you can imagine my disappointment when her flocks suddenly turned into ugly ducklings. It never occurred to me that at her age, she have yet to know who her true friends are. This only supplements the concept that age really does prove to be only a number.
It was one sunny day in the month of June I think, when one of her long time friends turned user-pretending-to-be-friend stepped on her like a foot rug in the mud. And it seriously raged me when I heard the story of the backstabbing, and how he shamelessly threw my mom off the garbage can as though she was spoiled food. I sobbed and was so mad that I had to outrageously curse and lambaste his name. I was hurt (to the superlative degree) because I know that bastard since I don't know when and even paid him high respects. It never came to my mind that he'll be the one who would do that to my mom upfront. Imagine if I was this mad, how much more was my mom.
But I never heard a thing from her (knowing how she nags), I just saw the tears that she hid from me while I asked her what happened. And as it broke my heart to see her keeping her cool and trying to contain her emotions, she told me how it was a waste of time to even talk about it. Even though she denies it, I know how broken she was, and I prayed for her more than I regularly do. Just so she could stand up and be her best again, this time with enough wisdom to discern friends.
After two months, my mom of twenty four years turned fifty-nine. And in celebration for the blessing of life, she opted to share the night with friends -- her real friends that is. I've never seen her happier.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Of insecurities and positive thinking
I love myself. I love how my hair looks like, my round-shaped face, my vertically-challenged height, my immature ways, my mood swings, my outlook, my choices, my family, my friends, my job. I love everything about myself. I've always seen the glass as half-full. I have never been the jealous-insecure type who complains and rants about things that we should foremost accept, and love even.
But, sometimes, no matter how tightly in love you are with yourself, you know that you lack something that they [others] have, and it just pisses you off. How I wish that this issue in my life can be cooled off with a cup of coffee and a honey-glazed doughnut on the side.
Now, more than ever, a part of me feels inferior knowledge-wise, especially when you can't relate to something that you know should be one of your top interests.
You see, the one man I measure everyone against is a professional gamer. What better job is there other than being paid while you play? Even if this gaming fad is just a speck of his entire being, it occupies half of his everyday life. Though, it's normally not a grown-up job, I don't care. As much as he loves what he does, then there's nothing to discuss about.
Getting back to my point, the only insecurity I have now is the fact that I am not a gamer. Don't get me wrong. I love games. They entertain me. But the harsh fact is I know nothing, as in zip, about anything that concerns MMORPGs (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game), the what and what not's in the gaming biz. And don't you think it's funny [somehow] to be in love with someone and not know the how-to's in his line of work? Or is it just me?
After three long years, I am now FORCIBLY engaging myself into online gaming, not just to feed the ego of knowing and relating to the man you wish to grow old with. Frankly, I want to share with his joys whenever a new game is being launched, or his whims about the most anticipated games that are yet to be released in the market. I want to be there, when he wins, and more so loses. I want to listen to his stories, that I know I will now be qualified to hear, because I will now be a part of the system he so lovingly embraces.
For the most part, I just want to be welcomed and to feel like I belong in that part of him that I know nothing of. We're never too old to learn something new anyway. ^_^
But, sometimes, no matter how tightly in love you are with yourself, you know that you lack something that they [others] have, and it just pisses you off. How I wish that this issue in my life can be cooled off with a cup of coffee and a honey-glazed doughnut on the side.
Now, more than ever, a part of me feels inferior knowledge-wise, especially when you can't relate to something that you know should be one of your top interests.
You see, the one man I measure everyone against is a professional gamer. What better job is there other than being paid while you play? Even if this gaming fad is just a speck of his entire being, it occupies half of his everyday life. Though, it's normally not a grown-up job, I don't care. As much as he loves what he does, then there's nothing to discuss about.
Getting back to my point, the only insecurity I have now is the fact that I am not a gamer. Don't get me wrong. I love games. They entertain me. But the harsh fact is I know nothing, as in zip, about anything that concerns MMORPGs (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game), the what and what not's in the gaming biz. And don't you think it's funny [somehow] to be in love with someone and not know the how-to's in his line of work? Or is it just me?
After three long years, I am now FORCIBLY engaging myself into online gaming, not just to feed the ego of knowing and relating to the man you wish to grow old with. Frankly, I want to share with his joys whenever a new game is being launched, or his whims about the most anticipated games that are yet to be released in the market. I want to be there, when he wins, and more so loses. I want to listen to his stories, that I know I will now be qualified to hear, because I will now be a part of the system he so lovingly embraces.
For the most part, I just want to be welcomed and to feel like I belong in that part of him that I know nothing of. We're never too old to learn something new anyway. ^_^
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Bells a' tolling
I think I got that order right.
Lately, I've been (and will be) hearing church bells ringing (and soon be ringing). And it feels surreal, weddings--being every girl's dream. And as it elates me to see friends tie the knot, move in, and build families of their own, here comes with fervor,a green-eyed monster who keeps assaulting my hard-earned zen.
Sometimes I hate how love amasses from time, not that I don't want love to last. It just feels so unreal sometimes how one person, from the exact same planet, can make you believe that there lives that one man capable of turning dreams into reality.
And I know how far I've come wandering for that someone who'll love me inside-out. Gladly, I believe to have found mine.
Now I think I just want my bells tolled too.
Side note: Maybe in an earlier time than later?
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